You know when there is something in your life, or a set of interactions with a person, or even a series of bad choices that without even noticing cause your attitude, or even demeanor to change? the past few weeks for me have been an internal battle between frustration and embitterment and then sadness. through different series of events I have noticed my attitude has changed. I find myself complaining alot about things that will not change, I've become even more controlling in uncontrollable circumstances, I'm extra sensitive to things that people say or do- yet I internalize all of it. I've even noticed how my desire to be productive has changed and my posture has slumped alot like my moods. For some of you this may be new News but it may not be....I'm not as good at hiding my emotions as i feel like i am. (haha)
Anyways, I was standing outside my house today enjoying the weather before it turned freezing and I thought...I was thinking about a certain internal conflict and i was standing there playing every detail in my mind over and over, trying to figure out where things took the turn for the worst...Desperately trying to find a diplomatic solution to solve this conflict. However, true to my nature, I also was trying to humor myself in the process...see me and my friend Abby crack Jesus jokes b/c we (well at least I know I do this) feel like He appreciates it and he laughs cause we laugh. anyways, that's besides the point...in my mind I'm cracking presenting jokes and then Jesus decided to turn my inner monologue into a not so funny dialogue. He used my joking to very clearly tell me that present is the very thing I'm not doing and up until this point it hadn't even crossed my mind to. AND then i started thinking about scripture he has put in my head lately...
Psalm 19:14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your eyes oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
Romans 12:17-18 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
1 Corinthians 10: 12-13 Even if you think you can stand up to temptation, be careful not to fall.You are tempted in the same way that everyone else is tempted. But God can be trusted not to let you be tempted too much, and he will show you how to escape from your temptations.
Philippians 3:8-9 Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ.For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith.
1 John 3:18 Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
When I accepted Christ at 19, I had been the product of an ideal church family, and I still couldn't begin to comprehend the magnitude and the depth of the power of truth. I never expected the same truth that would bring me to my knees in grief and repentance was the same truth that would encourage and empower me as well as teach me life, forgiveness, and love. See, in my head, I was using politics, reason, and logic to "find" a solution, but that's not what I'm called to, No! I'm called to SEEK Christ in his infinite wisdom, I'm called to seek his love, seek HIM. He promised it would be good, "for all things work together for the GOOD of those who love him and are CALLED according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28) <---right there, good. Soooo why had it not crossed my mind to present it? why hadn't I thought to walk with him in this? This disturbed me as much as it might be disturbing you...don't worry, Jesus and I are working this out. I am now seeing in so many ways how its because I wasn't walking with the Lord at all, makes since right? I was doing it on my own while convincing myself I was walking with the Lord. (I plead temporary insanity) But even in not walking with the Lord he is faithful...(parts of 1cor 6:19-20) "...you are not your own, you were bought with a price, so honor God..." "Revelations 3:19 Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent" ...when I say faithful, I mean REALLY REALLY FAITHFUL! like slap you in the face and its awesome kinda faithful. He wasn't going to allow me to stray far and even when I wasn't asking for it, he gave me his discernment, he gave me ears so tuned in that I can hear his voice in the middle of my diplomatic dispute. He was so quick to turn my gaze to him, I have been selfish, I have been self surviving, I have put myself before my sisters and brothers, I am at my wits end, and there I was lead in truth back to the Lord.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always PERSEVERES!
The Love of Jesus for myself and the people I'm around Always protects us, it protects me from myself, protects my friends from my harshness and cruelty and selfishness. Love protects our hearts from wandering. Jesus' Love ALWAYS trusts the Lord is in control and he is GOOD. His love trusts that the Lords sheep will never be lost or forgotten. Jesus' Love doesn't loose hope in his people because they are HIS forever! Jesus's= love in me never looses hope that Christ is coming to bring me home and that I will be made into perfect love. And Jesus' love Perseveres in DARKNESS, it abolishes hate, it never can be swayed. Jesus' love in me wins the battle over Adam in me because Jesus won that battle when he defied death! As long as I love Him and I love the people in my life then I cannot do anything other than win the battle over darkness in my heart....thanks Jesus, you just solved my problem....LOVE! Love those that can be hard to love, Love those who are easier to love, Love when I don't want to, Love because he first loved me when I did nothing to deserve it, and to let love transcend who I am....but up till now I have been childish in SOOOOO many ways, Ive been vengeful, Ive been stubborn, Ive spoke in a manner that is not of God...
1 Cor 13: 11-12 "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a [wo]man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."
This implies I have become a woman, and I certainly am not the woman God has created me to be, but I am slowly and faithfully washing the filth of this world off and putting on his white garment of righteousness. But for now, as the bride of Christ, I keep walking, I keep trekking, I keep waiting for him to teach me more, to let me go further and further into his LOVE! I keep waiting to become in full what I am in part, to be fully known and to fully know...
Philippians 3:14 "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus"
I come and Lay at your feet Lord, I meditate on your word, I repent God....I'm so sorry I haven't Loved you, I'm sorry I turned my back on your truth, I'm sorry I've treated people with disdain and judgement, I'm sorry I've lived in a way that doesn't reflect the beautiful BEAUTIFUL gift of LOVE you have given us. Lord Make me the visual representation of your LIVING son, Lord make me into the Beloved daughter of the most high king, Spirit keep knocking, and don't stop...bang louder, break a window, ring the door bell 100,000,000 times if that what it takes to get my attention. LORD, BIND MY WANDERING HEART TO THE.