jenny and tyler say it best
(I'm listening to jenny and tyler and they are nailing what I'm feeling perfectly through songs...so I have random lyrics through this whole thing)
"I need you to carry me, when I am weak; I'm ALWAYS weak."
my spirit is poor and weak....but you are strong
Matt 5:3 "Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for the theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
Let’s talk about good news-- this is good news! I'm not sure I can really say I've understood the depth of the meaning in this "attitude" and not sure I still do. I do understand being poor in spirit...because today mine is. I feel weak and tired and spent. I feel used and abused, I feel shame and sadness. I feel condemned and guilt and I can't help but feel I've done wrong. I certainly don't feel like worthy of the kingdom of heaven. I've been dealt a bad hand and I don't know how to get back in the positive-- I'm on a losing streak. I don't know how to respond anymore and I hide. "I can hardly hold myself together" anymore, and I feel weak. I've tried to tread lightly...I've tried to be peace, and I'm tired. If I were to sum up in one word how I feel....it would be weary. or heavy-laden but that's two words. I feel I have been defeated. I can feel myself being exiled, being shut out. I can also feel myself shutting down. Like really, my body is sluggish and heavy, my mind is hazy, my character is depleting and if my spirit were a sword it would be a very dull butter knife. I'M DONE.
I've given all I got, the sad thing is I KNOW Christ has more for me to give but I haven't allowed him to overflow, instead I've poured all I have, Me, MY Power, and I'm not a super hero...my powers are drained. BUT "I'm holding on to hope," that this is GOOD. After all, I just wrote a blog about how the valley is where I am transformed. but I'm tired, I'm weary, I'm spent. I know this isn't what Jesus wants for me. He doesn't want to see his daughter tired and spent, He doesn't want his daughter to back down from the truth she knows because she has become a coward. He wants my heart to be joyful. You know, less of me-more of him. And I understand this is writhen with selfishness. I get this is self depleting, I understand that I'm not being who God has made me...there is no way THIS is what He had in mind. I can say, however, that I'm weak and I'm poor in spirit, it just may not look the way that it should...sorry God. But this is my cry"come dwell inside my heart, live in the deepest part" but "you may not like what you see in the deepest parts of me"...
Psalm 103:14 For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust.
I'm filled with a lot of weakness and yuck. I want so desperately to not feel this way. I want so desperately for God to take it away. I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm tired of feeling like I live in an environment that doesn't reflect God and I'm tired of feeling like everywhere I turn is filled with emptiness and I'm weak...
2 Corinthians: 12 8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Ugh and then there is truth. I'm supposed to be weak. I want him to take it away so much, I want me to be the pillar of strength. I want to be self fulfilled. I don't want to wait for wisdom and maturity. "these walls were made from pain, the labor was in vain," Ive done everything possible for as long as I remember to become numb and indestructible. "but I still believe these lies" that I am capable, that he isn't enough, and that numbness means healing...so very very untrue. I've experienced pain in many ways, some self inflicted, some involuntary but every time I respond the same....I let time numb all wounds. I become self dependent and I become a little more callous... "still I remained treasured in the eyes of my God"
2 Corinthians 4:7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
God doesn't let it stop there. My weakness is what makes me worthy of inheritance he so freely gives. My weakness is what God desires FOR me (not what I want but what I need). Weakness is what allows Christ to be Christ in my heart. Yet, in this, my weakness catches my sin's eye and my sin takes full advantage..."oh my soul faint not, oh my soul keep up" please soul don't give in....I completely understand why we sing the lyrics, bind my wandering heart to thee...I know my sin will kidnap my heart and hold it hostage to despair. But Father, I'm begging you "remind me of love, remind of you" don't let that happen, keep me weak, keep me broken, do it God, cuz 90% of the time I don't want it and I don't mean it, but the 10% is what matters-it's the 10% that reminds me its not about me, that in my weakness there is so much JOY!
James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.''
Soooo "father, help me see myself through your eyes," because in your eyes you have already seen my journey, you mapped it out. In your eyes you see the completion, you see the daughter you always intended me to be, so help me see her. Help me embrace my weakness and your strength. Help me keep eyes on your eyes; they are prone to wander Lord I feel it.